Friday, 25 May 2012

Monster's Under The Bed

I have monster's under my bed, I have even more monster's in my head.

I hate sleeping. It's really awful. I always used to think that sleeping was such a waste of time but now I hate it for a new reason. The dreams won't stop coming. They aren't even dreams. I have nightmares.

They started about a week and a half ago and now I have them every time I close my eyes. I never really have got nightmares before but they scare me like no tomorrow. Last night, I managed to get to sleep at about midnight and at about 2am I woke up and I just couldn't handle being in my room. I had to get up and I went on the Exercycle trying to clear my head and when that didn't work I ended up watching cartoons for hours trying to get the nightmare out of my head.

I could deal with the nightmares if they were to do with spiders or heights but of course they are about cancer. For example last night I was suddenly in the most excruciating pain (it was like just after my surgery when the epidural didn't work) and I saw a little morphine tablet on the table next to me. I quickly took it trying to get rid of the awful pain but then it turned out to be full of maggots which then started eating me inside out. Suddenly they became restraints holding me to a vertical bed and I had to sit and watch as a procession of people had chemo injected into them and I could do absolutely nothing but watch.

 I hate going to sleep because there are monsters in my head.

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