Monday, 5 December 2011

From The Ridiculously Happy To The Ridiculously Nervous

I am lying in the hospital bed looking out across Auckland. I am in a room with four elderly old ladies. Two of them are rather sick and have been sleeping all day but there is one old lady who is lovely. The room looks out over Auckland city.

I have the most beautiful view of the sky tower and the city as I happen to be on the 14th floor. Ward 75 represent. Even though I am surrounded by such a lovely view I can't help but wish the sky would just  come and rescue me.

I am so nervous I want to cry, scream and put my foot down about the surgery tomorrow. I do not want to do it. I want to be a child again. I want to be able to walk, I know that for at least the next year I am not going to be able to walk.

My life is going to get harder. The chemo is going to intensify after the surgery, I am going to be in hospital more and I am not going to be able to put any weight on my leg AT ALL for the next year. My life is already hard. Excuse my french but this is not f**king fair.

The worst thing is I know that I have to do this. It's either this or I will die. That sounds overly dramatic but it's the truth. Those are my options and I have no intention of letting myself die. I can't do that, not to my family, my friends and most importantly I have a Euro trip which I have planned to take on my parents credit card.

Next year is going to suck but I am lucky I have the most amazing friends. Life could be so much worse. I could be a hermit and have no friends. I am lucky, my friends have literally not let me be lonely.

I have been out of hospital for the past two weeks (the first time since I started chemo that I actually stayed out for my full two weeks) and for that time I have been out for lunch and dinner nearly every meal, been to soo many parties.

I have spent so much time with friends that I will treasure as they have made me feel normal. It gives me strength to face tomorrow.

Life would be easier if I didn't wake up tomorrow BUT there are so many good things in life you just have to be strong and get through the bad. The bad may be ridiculously hard but when I think over the last two weeks or over the last year I have had soo many good times that it vastly outweighs the bad.

"I am richer in one moment with my friends than if I had all the money in the world" and I am so lucky because I have so many moments so thank you. You make me stronger than I thought I ever could be.


  1. Hi Harriet,
    We have't met, but my daughter Ella is friends with Hine who came round yesterday to visit after seeing you, and told us about your blog and your story. I guess I just wanted to say I think you're an incredible person, amazing story teller and I hope you continue to share your story and enrich people's lives. My girl has been unable to walk for 2 years now, and yes it sucks, but I will say that like you she appreciates little things soooo much more - we all do - and she is never going to give up the fight to get her life back. She amazes me with her courage and strength at 14 years of age she has so much wisdom and love in her heart it really blows me away - I hear her voice a little in some of your blog entries. Keep it up and remember that all that love can conquer all - and it sounds like you have a lot of that in your life which is wonderful to hear.
    Thinking of you, sending much love & prayers your way and looking forward to your next blog entry.
    Night night, Nicola.

  2. Harriet you don't know me but I'm a friend of Fifi's and an old WGC girl too. I hope you came through your op ok. I've been following your blog and sending loving thoughts for you out into the ether... My version of believing in something bigger than what we know. Be strong, lean into the arms of your family and your amazing friends right now, and get well soon. X Adele