I am almost completely bald. The beautiful short hair cut. gone. The past two days I have had to wear my wig or a hat. They are great for feeling normal but its annoying. I want to take my wig off and for there to be hair there. I want this to have been a dream.
It's not a dream, it's life. My life. Tomorrow, I will be admitted into hospital for three weeks. When thats done I will have two weeks out. One of which I wont feel very well. I have one week every five weeks where I am me. I will only have fourteen days this year left which I will feel good.
That sucks because my poor friends will come and visit me and I will be sooo happy to see them but I will be sick. The thing that is so hard is that I cannot see the end. I am only just beginning but so are we all.
We are setting out into the world to figure out what we want to be and then finding our 'Plan B.' This is my 'Plan B' and it sucks but I need to smile or I will start to cry.
Last year this amazing woman called Mae Chen came to our school and talked about how life is nothing but 'Plan B.' The idea behind her talk was that life never works out how you want it to, it changes in crazy ways and you need to adapt and work with 'Plan B'.
My plan was to go to Otago Uni. I was going to apply to hostels and pray to get into one! I was going to do a Bachelor of Science and major in Phycology and Genetics and minor in Bioethics. This was the plan because the course sounds interesting and I am interested in it.
I WAS NOT SURE.
Plan B hit me slam in the face. I have cancer. I have to fight it with every fibre in my being.
I occasionally get angry because this was not something I chose. It was not something I wanted but it's happening and I cannot turn my back on it. I do not want to go into hospital for three weeks but I will. I will get through that and then I am going to reward myself.
Last night I had lots of friends over to watch the warriors game. We lost but you know what. That did not matter one bit to me because I was surrounded by friends and people I love. They were happy. AND most importantly I got pizza.
Plan B was not something that I ever chose but I am going to make the best of it because I only have one life and seriously, what is the point in being unhappy? Life comes quickly, it can go even faster, so why waste time being unhappy.
My life is Plan B. Go figure.