The fear is the thing that nobody wants to face. Up until now I can pretend it's not really happening. I feel fine. This cancer is almost an abstract idea. One that was true but not. But now I have no choice. I have to face the fact it's real and I am about to get really sick.
There is one thing that nobody ever mentions. I may not survive this. There is a 70% chance I will but that still leaves a 30% chance that I won't. I don't want to think about what will happen if I am in that 30% and that is why nobody wants to mention it because nobody knows what they will do.
Emma is forever saying that "I should stop trying to please people as you can't please everyone" but you know what! For once this may be an actual advantage because I have no intention whatsoever of making people sad. I am going to fight this with everything I have. This is cliched but I really just think it can "eat my shorts!!!" I am going nowhere.
But this is a massive mountain, tomorrow is going to be the beginning of it. The doctors are going to try to kill me as much as they can without actually killing me... not sure my body is going to be very pleased with this idea.
But not just for one month or a couple of weeks, but for over a year I am going to be pushed as far as I can go. I am going to be run over with tractors, lawnmowers, be dragged behind the ferry and thrown from twenty foot buildings in the attempt to make me well.
Its an odd concept as I don't feel sick, you see me and nothing seems wrong. I have tubes sticking out of me which are a bit sore and my knees not always happy with me. Apart from that I am a fit eighteen year old girl. All my tests say I am in good condition apart from one nasty dog bite.
That dog bite is going to go away.
I am going to get better because this is my life and I intend to be here for a long time.