Wednesday, 30 May 2012

And Off I Go!!

I drove and IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I forgot how much I like to drive. My mother and father got a manual car when my baby bruce decided to give up on life. I am not ashamed to say that I suck at driving a manual.

Driving a manual sapped a lot of confidence as I had learned how to drive in an auto and I had never driven a manual. I am VERY uncoordinated and it just didn't come very naturally. About 2 weeks before my diagnosis I finally was getting it but it had hit my confidence a lot.

While driving the manual I stopped enjoying driving so much and more than just being able to drive. I am no longer stuck in my house. My friend Ollie came over last week after I had spent the day alone and at home, I may have gone a bit insane. Just a tad. He may have picked up on this and compared me to a coped up chicken.

There is only so much daytime tv you can watch and after a while you just need to get out and the best thing about having a car is that I finally have the freedom to do that!!

It may be a small step but it's a step and I intend to celebrate every little step.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Monster's Under The Bed

I have monster's under my bed, I have even more monster's in my head.

I hate sleeping. It's really awful. I always used to think that sleeping was such a waste of time but now I hate it for a new reason. The dreams won't stop coming. They aren't even dreams. I have nightmares.

They started about a week and a half ago and now I have them every time I close my eyes. I never really have got nightmares before but they scare me like no tomorrow. Last night, I managed to get to sleep at about midnight and at about 2am I woke up and I just couldn't handle being in my room. I had to get up and I went on the Exercycle trying to clear my head and when that didn't work I ended up watching cartoons for hours trying to get the nightmare out of my head.

I could deal with the nightmares if they were to do with spiders or heights but of course they are about cancer. For example last night I was suddenly in the most excruciating pain (it was like just after my surgery when the epidural didn't work) and I saw a little morphine tablet on the table next to me. I quickly took it trying to get rid of the awful pain but then it turned out to be full of maggots which then started eating me inside out. Suddenly they became restraints holding me to a vertical bed and I had to sit and watch as a procession of people had chemo injected into them and I could do absolutely nothing but watch.

 I hate going to sleep because there are monsters in my head.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Oreo Life

I was stalking the internet and look what I found!!
And anyway's this random comic got me thinking. Today was a rather big day!! I went out for lunch with some of my friends and then I went back to my friends hostel and hung out with her and her new friends and then I went out to dinner with some friends!!!!!! I WAS OUT FOR SEVEN HOURS!!!

I cannot remember the last time I managed this, to be fair I was sitting down the whole time but at least I was able to be out!!! I have been kind of pessimistic the last few weeks as I have been feeling rotten and glad chemo is over but I have still been grumbling about being sick.

As my wise friend said "Things are looking up, oh finally!!"

Friday, 11 May 2012

The Silver Screen

This new Harriet certainly gets cold easy and I say new Harriet because I think it sounds better than post cancer Harriet. This is what I always will be now. The people who meet me from now on probably will remember me as 'that chick who had cancer' and I guess I am. It's not like I want to wear it like a badge of honor but I don't really have a choice.

These scars are thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life no matter how much bio oil I use. People will ask 'how did you get that???' because who would expect the reply. The reply I am thinking of giving is 'I saw this kid getting beaten up, I ran over to help and the guy pulled out a knife. He managed to get me a few times but at least the kid got away.' and when I get the reply of 'REALLY?!?!' I, of course, will confess the truth but really which would you believe??

I am still at home, my immunity is going down again. It kills me a little because it's hard because I just want to go out and party and dance and be ridiculous but I can't. My leg is getting better but I still can't really walk properly. I have a limp but at least it's progress.

The local video hire has become my new best friend. My brain has been really fried so I am trying to read but at the moment I am still struggling with magazines so blobbing and watching endless amounts of movies seems to pass the time well.

I seem to have a lot of it and every-one seems to be busy during the week with uni and work and so begin's my love affair with the silver screen.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

The Brain Dance

I would like to introduce you to something that is very dear to me. My darling reader I would like you to meet my completely normal brain.

When I had the seizure the main concern was for my brain. This lovely beautiful and completely wonderful scan shows that my brain is perfectly healthy and normal. The main worry was that I had a brain hemorrhage. 

"A brain hemorrhage is a type of stroke. It's caused by an artery in the brain bursting and causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues. This bleeding kills brain cells." So I am doing a little dance for my perfectly healthy brain.