Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Four In A Million

I am one of four people in every million that are diagnosed with Osteosarcoma. Whenever the doctors come to see me they bring millions of them! I almost feel like I am some sort of exciting new toy, and i guess when you consider how rare this is, I am the doctors own personal sparkly toy.

Yesterday I had the biopsy, it was rather a strange experience, their was this man across the room waiting in the pre-op bay. He had nasty scabs all up and down his arms and was somebody who you would cross the road to avoid. I was then wheeled into the theatre, being wheeled is a strange feeling in itself. You are being pushed on your back while you are still but the world is moving around you. Its such an odd sensation. The nurse then gave me an injection and told me to breathe in and out of one of those masks and count...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9....10.........

When i woke up, I was back in my room yet i was so not there! It felt like I was like I was sitting above my bed watching the conversations that surrounded me. I felt like I was becoming old. I could not stay awake, half way through a conversation my head would droop...... and...... and.......

I woke up early in the morning needing to pee, I had three nurses at 1:30 in the morning helping me get to the bathroom as i had to keep my leg straight as it hurt too much to bend. I had to have my nana toilet seat roll me into the bathroom where my nausea successfully made me throw up what little was left of my stomach contents. After more pain relief and anti-nausea, i went back to play with the faires...

I woke up later this morning feeling much better, the drugs had worn off and I was actually able to stomach some breakfast. Lunch was a different matter, it really looked like sick on a plate so father was kind and got me some sushi! :)

I found out my plan for the next two years of my life. I am going to have to get chemotherapy for the next 12 weeks then I shall have the tumor removed and part of my knee will need to be replaced, then I will have chemotherapy for another 6-12months.

I am coming back to Wellington tomorrow, this makes me sooo happy, it's lonely here. The flowers my friend Hannah sent me and the cards from my friends and family make it bearable, when they said I might stay here for the chemo, i almost broke down. I have accepted that I have cancer and that I need to fight it, but the idea of leaving my friends would be almost too hard as they are such a big part of my life and bring me sooo much happiness and always will.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Tomorrow Is When The War Begins

Tomorrow shall be the first day of the rest of my life. I am Harriet Rowland and tomorrow I shall start in my battle. The battle to beat my own personal dog.
Osteosarcoma. This is my mission and considering how many times my phone has gone off. I have a support crew that could fill a stadium.

Today, I went to school. This in itself is strange, not because I am some rebellious child and wag all the time. It is strange simply because its seems so unimportant and insignificant now. The things that really matter to me are my friends and family and spending as much time with them.

Today, I flew to Auckland. My parents and my brother fuss over me. I am in a private room (which I am told is a very good thing!!). However, the curtains are mustard and the toilet has a nana seat over it. Overall, I would give this accommodation a 3/10. It is odd at night though. Its not quiet as there are constant sounds, yet there is this airy quietness the permeates the whole hospital. I feel like I am trapped in an old folks home! The thing about being here (with no wifi!!!) is the isolation. The fact that I mentioned isolation means I have definitely been at school for far too long. I observe this room and the thing that I notice is the bed is alone in the centre of the room and if my life was indeed was like a movie, this shot would be examined as portraying isolation.

Today, I found out I might never ski again. This may not sound like much to some but skiing is one of the most important things to me. Its something I have done with my family for my entire life. Its one thing I am good at. It makes me happy. No. It makes me elated. Nothing beats the rush of that first drop or the wind slapping your face. On a side note, I might also become infertile.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Life Is Most Definitely Like A Roller Coaster

I don't know wether to laugh or cry when I think about the mess I am in. I don't know what is going to happen, whether i will grow old, whether i will graduate high school, university. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I am seventeen years old, my biggest worry in life should be my parents won't give me enough money for ball dresses or stressing about due dates for homework. I should not be sitting here wondering whether I have cancer or not. I hate that the doctors won't tell me, my dad won't tell me. I want to believe that I am fine, but I have a tumor growing inside me and everyone is tiptoeing around me, smiling that same sad smile. They tell me they love me, but I don't understand what is going on. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I try to smile and act nonchalant about it. Smile, laugh and act like it doesn't bother me. I can't focus. I just want to understand what is going to happen to me. On Monday, I was a normal teenager. I went to hospital because my knee was sore after skiing. I thought my ligament had torn... how wrong was I! I have a lesion on my left knee. I have since had two x-rays, a blood test (which I found out I hate! I don't think the nurse was impressed when i chucked into the basin sink) I have had a CT and a MRI and bone scan. It's my birthday on Friday, I am going to be 18. This was supposed to be the start of my adult life but I don't want to start it like this. I want to be healthy, not trying to figure out whether I can get into university if I will miss school. I just wish I had never gone to the doctor, I wish I was still ignorant.

I wrote this on Wednesday, a lot has changed since then...

I found out that I do have cancer, I have a tumor growing within the femur in my left knee. In some senses I don't think it really has hit me that I have cancer because I cannot stop laughing but I must admit the situation is hilarious!! I almost feel like my life is like a movie because my life is sooo overly dramatic, none of it feels real! In one week, my brother has cut his media nerve and tendon (the main ones to his left hand) and is now exhibiting THE CLAW! I then got told on Thursday I have cancer, Friday, ironically was Daffodil Day (The Cancer Societies flagship event) and my eighteenth birthday! If only my life had theme music. I wonder if my life is a movie how it ends...

My family likes to call having cancer like having a dog because as long as it stays in its yard its ok, when it starts digging up the bushes in the neighbors... not sooo much! I have started to tell some of my friends. This is easily one of the hardest things I have had to do. How do you say 'I have cancer' in a good or easy way. If anyone has any ideas please tell me as I am shocking at it!!! You watch people try to figure out if you are being serious, when they realize you are, you have to watch their emotions course across their faces. If they start crying, my heart breaks a little, i want to say sorry (and often do) because all I want to do is fix it. 

Tomorrow, I am going to Auckland to see a specialist. To find out more by doing a biopsy. This scares me as I don't know what they will find, or if I will like what they will find.