Sunday, 26 May 2013

A Living Grenade

Grenades are completely harmless until somebody pulls the pin. Once the pin is pulled they cause nothing but pain and sadness. I walk around knowing that at some point soon, the pin is going to drop and all who are near to me will be hurt.

Yet knowing this, I still choose to live and walk around, drawing more people nearer. This is perhaps the most selfish thing I can do yet I still do it. When people ask me if I am scared of dying I can honestly reply not really, I am more worried about what it will do to those whom I love.

However, I am not a inanimate object like a grenade, I am a particular brand of destruction more like a venus fly trap. Those who care for me most will be those who will hurt. Even the unlucky passer by may be drawn in simply to be hurt.

I am struggling with this at the moment. I am at a stage in my life where I meet new people all of the time and it's hard because although I really want to get to know them, it sometimes scares me because by befriending them I am knowingly going to hurt them.

My friends say they would rather have me in their life and get hurt than to not have me at all but how do I make that call? How do I decide if it's worth being my friend to outweigh the hurt and sadness they will have to face.

My friend Sarah showed me this quote from a lady that was dying of cancer. When this lady was asked "what's it like to be dying?" and her response is "what's it like pretending your not?" I guess in life we are all going to hurt people whether we mean to or not. I may be a live grenade but so is everyone.

I can't do anything to stop the hurt I am going to inflict but I am sorry.

So very sorry.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Dogs & Other Boring Stuff

It's getting harder to post on here. Nothing bad is actually happening it's just getting harder to live my normal day to day life and that is something which is hard to tell people. It doesn't matter how strong I am or how hard I try to fight this, I cannot win.

It is getting worse and worse and it sucks. The biggest problem that I am having at the moment is with tiredness. Tiredness is something that everyone has to deal with but it's something nobody truly understands because tiredness doesn't cover it. I am exhausted, constantly. 

It means that I go to sleep exhausted, I wake up exhausted and there is nothing I can do to change that but it's worse than that. I am starting to struggle with concentration. I have decided to stop doing my uni work and just go to the lectures as it's too difficult to concentrate anymore. 

I also am more emotional than I normally am and this messes with me. I am not an emotional person but recently I have started being really upset for no reason then snapping and then all of a sudden having a 180 shift and be giggling or talking nonsensically and it's just getting harder to do simple things like get ready. 

I struggle but there is nothing I can do to change any of the above apart from profusely apologize to those who I live with especially to Guy and Hannah who bear the brunt of most of them! I wish I could say it was going to get better but I know it won't, it's only going to get worse.

Luckily, dogs exist. 

To Hazel - Grace

Today I went to the Anne Frank house and I seriously think that this deserves it's own blog. It deserves everything. When I planned my trip away, the place I most wanted to go was Amsterdam simply to go to the Anne Frank house. One of my favorite things in this life are books, Anne Frank's diary is a spectacular book but the book which made me want to go to the Anne Frank house was 'The Fault In Our Star's' by John Green.

I know I go on about this book but it's simply because I love it. I know of nobody who is like me. Nobody except Hazel Grace. I know it's not real because she is a fictional character in a book but for somebody who isn't dying John Green has created a girl who is realistic and somebody who reminds me that I am not the only person like me. It makes me both sad and happy. I would love for their to be nobody like me, for nobody to have to go through this but they do and sometimes it's nice to know you are not alone.

The Anne Frank house is an amazing place, sad, haunting, tiny but amazing. It's so sad and painful what she had to endure and it's a reminder that their are people in this world who have it worse off than I do. It was amazing to spend this time with my family and Jannie (my family friend who is more family than friend). They truly are an amazing bunch.

So to my imaginary friends Anne & Hazel- Grace. Thanks for teaching me how to be strong and for reminding me that I am not alone.

My Month Of Fun!!!

It's been odd, normally I alway's love writing on here, it's a way in which I sort of the things that are rolling around in my mind but lately I haven't felt the need to. Things have sort-of seemed simpler. They are obviously  more complicated but simpler at the same time.

It's simple, I am dying there is no changing this fact so if something makes me happy I have been doing it. I been having so much fun! In the last month-ish I drove up to Hobition with my friend Hannah and got to meet her amazing family. They are sooo nice and cool!! Then I have been living in my hall and just enjoying time at university and with my amazing friends. Then I wen to Europe spent time in the lovely Verona, Venice, Milan, Zurich, Paris and Amsterdam!

I have been eating out of this world AMAZING food and spending some amazing time with some wonderful people. I actually am really happy. I have moments when it hits me and I have a small break down but sometimes  I am actually able to forget this is going on. The other day I said to my dad "life could not be more perfect" and his retort was simple "it really could be" and it could. But I am truly happy with my lot in life. It may not be perfect but it's pretty darn good. 

My energy levels are slowly getting worse but I have good days and bad. 

Mum and Dad are still holding strong on the puppy debate.

I hope you enjoy these photos of the last month as much as I do!!

 Guy's Birthday Present!! 


 Cute Night In Boulcott
 Our Apartment In Verona
 Fam Bam in St Marco's Square

 Tom tried Horse meat at this restaurant!
Time for a spot of shopping in Paris
Simply spectacular