A Living Grenade

Grenades are completely harmless until somebody pulls the pin. Once the pin is pulled they cause nothing but pain and sadness. I walk around knowing that at some point soon, the pin is going to drop and all who are near to me will be hurt.

Yet knowing this, I still choose to live and walk around, drawing more people nearer. This is perhaps the most selfish thing I can do yet I still do it. When people ask me if I am scared of dying I can honestly reply not really, I am more worried about what it will do to those whom I love.

However, I am not a inanimate object like a grenade, I am a particular brand of destruction more like a venus fly trap. Those who care for me most will be those who will hurt. Even the unlucky passer by may be drawn in simply to be hurt.

I am struggling with this at the moment. I am at a stage in my life where I meet new people all of the time and it's hard because although I really want to get to know them, it sometimes scares me because by befriending them I am knowingly going to hurt them.

My friends say they would rather have me in their life and get hurt than to not have me at all but how do I make that call? How do I decide if it's worth being my friend to outweigh the hurt and sadness they will have to face.

My friend Sarah showed me this quote from a lady that was dying of cancer. When this lady was asked "what's it like to be dying?" and her response is "what's it like pretending your not?" I guess in life we are all going to hurt people whether we mean to or not. I may be a live grenade but so is everyone.

I can't do anything to stop the hurt I am going to inflict but I am sorry.

So very sorry.