Life Is Most Definitely Like A Roller Coaster

I don't know wether to laugh or cry when I think about the mess I am in. I don't know what is going to happen, whether i will grow old, whether i will graduate high school, university. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I am seventeen years old, my biggest worry in life should be my parents won't give me enough money for ball dresses or stressing about due dates for homework. I should not be sitting here wondering whether I have cancer or not. I hate that the doctors won't tell me, my dad won't tell me. I want to believe that I am fine, but I have a tumor growing inside me and everyone is tiptoeing around me, smiling that same sad smile. They tell me they love me, but I don't understand what is going on. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I try to smile and act nonchalant about it. Smile, laugh and act like it doesn't bother me. I can't focus. I just want to understand what is going to happen to me. On Monday, I was a normal teenager. I went to hospital because my knee was sore after skiing. I thought my ligament had torn... how wrong was I! I have a lesion on my left knee. I have since had two x-rays, a blood test (which I found out I hate! I don't think the nurse was impressed when i chucked into the basin sink) I have had a CT and a MRI and bone scan. It's my birthday on Friday, I am going to be 18. This was supposed to be the start of my adult life but I don't want to start it like this. I want to be healthy, not trying to figure out whether I can get into university if I will miss school. I just wish I had never gone to the doctor, I wish I was still ignorant.


I wrote this on Wednesday, a lot has changed since then...


I found out that I do have cancer, I have a tumor growing within the femur in my left knee. In some senses I don't think it really has hit me that I have cancer because I cannot stop laughing but I must admit the situation is hilarious!! I almost feel like my life is like a movie because my life is sooo overly dramatic, none of it feels real! In one week, my brother has cut his media nerve and tendon (the main ones to his left hand) and is now exhibiting THE CLAW! I then got told on Thursday I have cancer, Friday, ironically was Daffodil Day (The Cancer Societies flagship event) and my eighteenth birthday! If only my life had theme music. I wonder if my life is a movie how it ends...


My family likes to call having cancer like having a dog because as long as it stays in its yard its ok, when it starts digging up the bushes in the neighbors... not sooo much! I have started to tell some of my friends. This is easily one of the hardest things I have had to do. How do you say 'I have cancer' in a good or easy way. If anyone has any ideas please tell me as I am shocking at it!!! You watch people try to figure out if you are being serious, when they realize you are, you have to watch their emotions course across their faces. If they start crying, my heart breaks a little, i want to say sorry (and often do) because all I want to do is fix it. 


Tomorrow, I am going to Auckland to see a specialist. To find out more by doing a biopsy. This scares me as I don't know what they will find, or if I will like what they will find.