Monster's Under The Bed

I have monster's under my bed, I have even more monster's in my head.

I hate sleeping. It's really awful. I always used to think that sleeping was such a waste of time but now I hate it for a new reason. The dreams won't stop coming. They aren't even dreams. I have nightmares.

They started about a week and a half ago and now I have them every time I close my eyes. I never really have got nightmares before but they scare me like no tomorrow. Last night, I managed to get to sleep at about midnight and at about 2am I woke up and I just couldn't handle being in my room. I had to get up and I went on the Exercycle trying to clear my head and when that didn't work I ended up watching cartoons for hours trying to get the nightmare out of my head.

I could deal with the nightmares if they were to do with spiders or heights but of course they are about cancer. For example last night I was suddenly in the most excruciating pain (it was like just after my surgery when the epidural didn't work) and I saw a little morphine tablet on the table next to me. I quickly took it trying to get rid of the awful pain but then it turned out to be full of maggots which then started eating me inside out. Suddenly they became restraints holding me to a vertical bed and I had to sit and watch as a procession of people had chemo injected into them and I could do absolutely nothing but watch.

 I hate going to sleep because there are monsters in my head.

The Oreo Life

I was stalking the internet and look what I found!!

And anyway's this random comic got me thinking. Today was a rather big day!! I went out for lunch with some of my friends and then I went back to my friends hostel and hung out with her and her new friends and then I went out to dinner with some friends!!!!!! I WAS OUT FOR SEVEN HOURS!!!

I cannot remember the last time I managed this, to be fair I was sitting down the whole time but at least I was able to be out!!! I have been kind of pessimistic the last few weeks as I have been feeling rotten and glad chemo is over but I have still been grumbling about being sick.

As my wise friend said "Things are looking up, oh finally!!"

The Silver Screen

This new Harriet certainly gets cold easy and I say new Harriet because I think it sounds better than post cancer Harriet. This is what I always will be now. The people who meet me from now on probably will remember me as 'that chick who had cancer' and I guess I am. It's not like I want to wear it like a badge of honor but I don't really have a choice.

These scars are thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life no matter how much bio oil I use. People will ask 'how did you get that???' because who would expect the reply. The reply I am thinking of giving is 'I saw this kid getting beaten up, I ran over to help and the guy pulled out a knife. He managed to get me a few times but at least the kid got away.' and when I get the reply of 'REALLY?!?!' I, of course, will confess the truth but really which would you believe??

I am still at home, my immunity is going down again. It kills me a little because it's hard because I just want to go out and party and dance and be ridiculous but I can't. My leg is getting better but I still can't really walk properly. I have a limp but at least it's progress.

The local video hire has become my new best friend. My brain has been really fried so I am trying to read but at the moment I am still struggling with magazines so blobbing and watching endless amounts of movies seems to pass the time well.

I seem to have a lot of it and every-one seems to be busy during the week with uni and work and so begin's my love affair with the silver screen.

The Brain Dance

I would like to introduce you to something that is very dear to me. My darling reader I would like you to meet my completely normal brain.

When I had the seizure the main concern was for my brain. This lovely beautiful and completely wonderful scan shows that my brain is perfectly healthy and normal. The main worry was that I had a brain hemorrhage. 

"A brain hemorrhage is a type of stroke. It's caused by an artery in the brain bursting and causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues. This bleeding kills brain cells." So I am doing a little dance for my perfectly healthy brain.

 

Would You Feed This To Your Dog?

I have not exactly had the best couple of weeks. Last I wrote on here, maja had just brought me Hugo while she was down south with her friends for her birthday. The next day (the day before I was due to be readmitted anyway) I ended up going back into hospital because I was generally very unwell.

I really couldn’t eat much. Anything I tried to eat I would vomit or it would end up coming out in some lovely diarrhea so I really wasn’t getting any nutrients in. I really do put my parents through hell sometimes.

Now I have to quote my Dad about what happened because unfortunately I have no recollection of the next events.

“On Wednesday night just after Tom left for the night Harriet was found unconscious and unrousable by a nurse seeing her roommate. They called the crash team and she came around slowly. She had had a convulsion, not witnessed so we dont know how long for. She had a CT scan of her head overnight that was normal but she has ecg abnormalities and low potassium and other electrolytes. She was transferred to the coronary care unit for monitoring. She was quite out of it overnight and her brain has not been functioning well since, but at least she doesn't remember anything.” 

 
And I really can’t remember anything much from last Wednesday as my friends Sophie and Ollie discovered last night when I couldn’t even really remember them coming to visit on Friday but everything is getting better.

My Oncologist Anne has decided that it is too dangerous to continue with Chemo so chemo is all over. I still have to come in at least once a week for a while and do tests and stuff and apparently next week I could be quite sick because I am coming off all my drugs which my body has got so used to.

It was interesting talking to Mum today because we were talking about all my medications, especially one called cyclizine which I did not know but when it is given through the IV line can be addictive. I really hate the idea that I could be addicted to something but I do wonder if I was just a little.

I know I like it because it is what works best. I can have three different forms of pills and then half an hour later hopefully I will feel better or I can have cyclizine and five minutes later I feel better. It really does work very well and that’s great because up until now all I have cared about is not vomiting, feeling functional and all that.

It is scary though how easily it could happen though, to be fair if my mum had told me cyclizine could be addictive I probably would have just stopped taking it because I hate the idea that I could become dependent on something.

It show’s how easy it would be to become dependent on all these things. I thought and still do think I like cyclizine because it works so well but what if I am wrong??

I am very happy because I am now going to be sort of finished chemo. It’s going to take me about another month to 2 months to feel normal again but I can handle that. What’s two months in the grand scheme of things??

It’s weird because it sort of just stopped. I still thought I had another month and a half of chemo to go and now I am sort of reeling. I want to say it’s an amazing feeling and it is but there is just that feeling of it being too good to be true.

I’m done but now what? I actually have no clue. I have spent the past 8 months geared towards getting to this point but now what?? I am in this sort of limbo because I am not better but I am not having chemo anymore.

Anyway I thought I would leave you with some food for thought. I know I have avoided eating hospital food for the last 8 months by getting family & friends to bring me a constant supply and the picture can’t really leave you with a proper impression of the smell but would you feed your dog this?

MY PUPPY!!!

My mummy got me a puppy!!! However, wasn't really the sort of puppy I was expecting... let me introduce you to Hugo (and a happy-ish looking maja)

He may not be exactly what I asked for but as maja says "it's the closest thing to a dog you are getting from me". So I will just have to love Hugo with all my heart and accept that my attempt at attaining a cute wee puppy may not be very attainable.

As for actual progress, I seemed to be healthy the first couple of days out but it sort of went downhill from there. From about Wednesday on everything I ate or drank ended up coming out of me one way or another, neither pleasant.

So it's now Monday and I am back in hospital and will reside here for a good couple of weeks. Things better be getting close to the end because I am not sure how much more my poor body will take. 

Easter Filled Fun

I am finally home, I have a sore throat, but, lucky for me my temperature is not sky high for now anyways!! :) I had an amazing Easter and ate way too much chocolate and left myself feeling rather sick, thank you anti-nausea drugs!!! I hope everyone else was naughty and ate way too much too!!! Otherwise I am way to badass for my own good.

I think I kinda rule out being a badass considering I have spent the last two months in hospital. It's kinda hard keeping up your "badass" pretense when you are as sick as a dog!! But I am finally out and Anthony is back!!!! As is nearly everyone from Uni!!!!

I kinda excited coz I can see the end of the treatment but ahhh another 3 week block starting next Monday but until then I am a free chicken!!! As long as I don't start to roast and get temperatures, if so hospital will be mine again.

My mun went on her girls walk in the middle week of my treatment. It was our first big separation since this treatment started and it was surprisingly hard. She now knows everything and is very good at organizing me. I think she missed me too because look what she brought back!!!

  
Every time I have had surgery I have been a little cheeky and teasing mum about how she doesn't want me to have another because then she has to get me another charm on my Tiffany and Co charm bracelet. Never actually thinking she would get me one because Tiffany and Co are places that mothers shop, not Harriet's. However, she surprised me with this beauty!! I have 5 pretty charms, not six because apparently six looked a bit odd!!!

I am wearing it in hospital because I may have been allowed out one night last saturday night to attend my friend Catherine's wedding!!!! :) And I must give my big congrats!!

One week later I went and saw Geraldine Brophy's new play 'Floral Notes'. It was very good, apart from  Geraldine's character happened to get breast cancer and die. I hate movies and books to do with Cancer. Originally when I got sick I kept everything they gave me, but as time went on I realized it depressed me to read about it.

Ollie probably know's more of the specific's of my treatment. I kinda just take it as it comes and try not to look forward too far. It depresses me sometimes because although I can see the end of my treatment I still have another 5 weeks of chemo.

Strangely I think my hair is starting to grow back!!! Even though I am having chemo I am not having Cisplatin so maybe these ones don't make you loose you hair. I have now a nice sprinkle of stubble on my head!!!!!

Gosh, life is sooo odd. Let's just eat more chocolate!!!