To Be Human

I am no longer an alien. I no longer have probes sticking out of me!!! Today, I got my Hickman line taken out. Today, I took a step forward to being a normal teenager once again. I ended up having to have surgery to get it out but it is finally done and I am so happy!!!

It is a big step as it means that my blood counts are returning to normal! My parents are really excited by this, for me it was just another thing I had to do on the way to get better. What was more exciting for me was the feeling I had when I stayed over on Sunday at a friend's place.

It was odd, we were sitting in the lounge and they were taking the piss out of me for being so spoilt, keeping me grounded as only good friends can do. I was hogging the couch when I realized something, I didn't feel like a sick kid at all. I felt like a normal teenager hanging out with their mates.

It's not that I mind talking about being sick because it is part of who I am, it's what my life is based around at the moment. It was more the fact that whenever I used to leave hospital I would feel great because I would be healthier than most of the people on the ward but as soon as I got home I would realize how sick I still was compared to a normal person but I don't feel that anymore, I don't feel like I am on the same level yet but I am no longer looking at them like their level of health is a million times higher than mine.

I'm getting there.

PS Happy Birthday Toby, thank you for always being there whether it was bringing me my cheeseburgers or putting up with my bad jokes and just being a generally amazing friend.

A Little Kindness

It's not hard to commit a random act of kindness. In Wellington, my favorite restaurant is a place called Arthur's. They have such yummy food but they are so nice to me every time I go in there. It's not hard to make my day but the fact that the staff there always so welcoming and nice. It makes it such a lovely experience going there.

When I was at Lady Gaga, I saw these two Japanese ladies in the seats in front of me and they had on the coolest colored wigs that I had ever seen. While we were waiting for Lady Gaga to go on I asked where they had got their wigs from and they replied that they had got them from Japan. 

I thought that this would be the end of our conversation but these lovely ladies came up to me after the show and asked me what my address was as they would send me their wigs. This was such unexpected kindness. These woman did not know me from a dot yet they were so kind.

These woman show what extraordinary people live on this earth. I found it so amazing they would chose to go so far out of their way for a stranger.   

This is one of gorgeous pink wig that arrived in the mail. 

PS Happy Birthday Jannie. I love you to the moon and back! xoxo

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Today I managed 7.5km on the bike!! It's great because it means that my energy levels are coming back!! It's crazy to think that exactly 6 weeks ago I was getting out of hospital and having only enough energy to walk from my bed to the couch and only retreating back to bed when it was time to sleep usually having a nap on the couch during the afternoon. 

On Thursday, I went up to Auckland to the surgeon who said my leg is progressing well which is exciting!! Then we had lunch with one of our great family friends!!! I then had to have a nap but that evening we went to LADY GAGA!!! 

She was amazing!! She had a five level castle, more costume changes than you could count and she is an amazing performer. How she dances and sings like that for two and a half hour. It made me tired just watching her!! I spent the next 2 days in Auckland catching up with friends which was amazing. 

On Sunday, as I have done for many years I went to see the Warren Miller ski movie with the Walsh's. When I was younger I used to look at these movies and dream about being in them. I probably never would have been because those movies contain the best skiers in the world but it did make me realize that I could never do that now, never ski like that ever and that sucked.

Some dreams like skiing in a Warren Miller film or sailing in the Volvo Ocean Race probably never would have come true but it's hard to know that I am physically never going to be able to complete those dreams but I guess this gives way to new dreams.

Six weeks ago how I am now would seem like a dream. My dreams have changed through this whole experience, it's not that I have lost my old ones, I still would like to work for the UNCHR at some point in my life. I still want to help people too but I have new dreams like dancing with Anthony when he comes back from Dunedin or meddling in Toby's love life or just having lunch with Kate but more than anything I want to stay cancer free.

And Off I Go!!

I drove and IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I forgot how much I like to drive. My mother and father got a manual car when my baby bruce decided to give up on life. I am not ashamed to say that I suck at driving a manual.

Driving a manual sapped a lot of confidence as I had learned how to drive in an auto and I had never driven a manual. I am VERY uncoordinated and it just didn't come very naturally. About 2 weeks before my diagnosis I finally was getting it but it had hit my confidence a lot.

While driving the manual I stopped enjoying driving so much and more than just being able to drive. I am no longer stuck in my house. My friend Ollie came over last week after I had spent the day alone and at home, I may have gone a bit insane. Just a tad. He may have picked up on this and compared me to a coped up chicken.

There is only so much daytime tv you can watch and after a while you just need to get out and the best thing about having a car is that I finally have the freedom to do that!!

It may be a small step but it's a step and I intend to celebrate every little step.

Monster's Under The Bed

I have monster's under my bed, I have even more monster's in my head.

I hate sleeping. It's really awful. I always used to think that sleeping was such a waste of time but now I hate it for a new reason. The dreams won't stop coming. They aren't even dreams. I have nightmares.

They started about a week and a half ago and now I have them every time I close my eyes. I never really have got nightmares before but they scare me like no tomorrow. Last night, I managed to get to sleep at about midnight and at about 2am I woke up and I just couldn't handle being in my room. I had to get up and I went on the Exercycle trying to clear my head and when that didn't work I ended up watching cartoons for hours trying to get the nightmare out of my head.

I could deal with the nightmares if they were to do with spiders or heights but of course they are about cancer. For example last night I was suddenly in the most excruciating pain (it was like just after my surgery when the epidural didn't work) and I saw a little morphine tablet on the table next to me. I quickly took it trying to get rid of the awful pain but then it turned out to be full of maggots which then started eating me inside out. Suddenly they became restraints holding me to a vertical bed and I had to sit and watch as a procession of people had chemo injected into them and I could do absolutely nothing but watch.

 I hate going to sleep because there are monsters in my head.

The Oreo Life

I was stalking the internet and look what I found!!

And anyway's this random comic got me thinking. Today was a rather big day!! I went out for lunch with some of my friends and then I went back to my friends hostel and hung out with her and her new friends and then I went out to dinner with some friends!!!!!! I WAS OUT FOR SEVEN HOURS!!!

I cannot remember the last time I managed this, to be fair I was sitting down the whole time but at least I was able to be out!!! I have been kind of pessimistic the last few weeks as I have been feeling rotten and glad chemo is over but I have still been grumbling about being sick.

As my wise friend said "Things are looking up, oh finally!!"

The Silver Screen

This new Harriet certainly gets cold easy and I say new Harriet because I think it sounds better than post cancer Harriet. This is what I always will be now. The people who meet me from now on probably will remember me as 'that chick who had cancer' and I guess I am. It's not like I want to wear it like a badge of honor but I don't really have a choice.

These scars are thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life no matter how much bio oil I use. People will ask 'how did you get that???' because who would expect the reply. The reply I am thinking of giving is 'I saw this kid getting beaten up, I ran over to help and the guy pulled out a knife. He managed to get me a few times but at least the kid got away.' and when I get the reply of 'REALLY?!?!' I, of course, will confess the truth but really which would you believe??

I am still at home, my immunity is going down again. It kills me a little because it's hard because I just want to go out and party and dance and be ridiculous but I can't. My leg is getting better but I still can't really walk properly. I have a limp but at least it's progress.

The local video hire has become my new best friend. My brain has been really fried so I am trying to read but at the moment I am still struggling with magazines so blobbing and watching endless amounts of movies seems to pass the time well.

I seem to have a lot of it and every-one seems to be busy during the week with uni and work and so begin's my love affair with the silver screen.