I Wish I Was Pregnant...

When the girls at my school found out something was wrong with me. They were usure as to what it was, many hypothesis as what aliment i suffered from flew around school. However, the most popular train of thought led the majority of girls to think I was probably pregnant. I wish that had been true...

Today has been soul shattering. I spent eight hours trawling around the hospital being prodded, pricked and even probed like some alien experiment. I had my blood taken four times, i became radioactive and got told I have have excellent hearing.

I wonder how these doctors and nurses look at me. Apart from almost fainting when they tried to rob my of my blood and a limp i show no obvious signs of being sick. I have no physical markers showing there is something insanely wrong with my body and I guess thats what is so odd. This was such a little thing. I thought I had tore a tendon. It never crossed my mind that I would have cancer.

Back to my train of thought, what would these doctors think when they see my chart? They must see millions of people going through the hospital everyday. Hospitals are strange things, the give you this false sense that the majority of people face life threatening illnesses.

I wonder if the people who live in the hospital feel like they are one of the privileged who are healthy. This would be an awesome way to view the world. This idea that everyone is facing these illnesses, however false, is often comforting to feel as if you are not alone. On the flip side, sometimes you feel more alone as you are no different to the multitude of people in this hospital.

But I am different. Many people try to be different with their alternative fashion statements or ideas. I am not different by choice, I am different because of this ridiculous thing growing inside of me. I never gave it permission to be there! I am in control of my body. I should decide what goes in and out. I want to believe I am in charge.

I am so unbelievably mad at cancer. I was doing well in school! I was getting above average marks. I had plans to go to Rhythm and Vines over summer and then go to Venture (a 10 day outdoor pursuit sort of camp in Tasmania), I was going to go to Otago next year and now.... my life is fighting this. I had no choice and that is the hardest part.