Fears of Life

I now have a brand new Hickman line. It was bit of a mission as they had to make two cuts to find a vein big enough and the cut where they found the vein is at the base of my neck just above my collarbone, so its a bit harder to hide than the one before but thats ok!

I was more concerned because I was nil by mouth for about 24hours before the surgery! I was sooo hungry!! All I could talk or think and just generally breathe was food! I have since caught up on the food I missed!

I am a bit nervous for tomorrow. I have not really been that nervous for any of the other rounds of chemo but I am for tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to start the round of chemo which makes me incredibly sick. YAY!!

Hopefully it should be better than last time because they have my nausea medicine under control but it's still scary but lucky me I have pretty pills which will help me. What about everyone else?

What scares me more than the idea of being sick is the idea of being left behind. Nothing scares me more. I know it's crazy but this is my life. Until August next year I can pretty much give you a schedule of my life. It is basically a five week cycle.

I am living the five same weeks over and over and over and over and over again but you're not. My friends are facing other scary huge challenges, like leaving school and deciding what to do! and god forgive if you don't know!

There is so much pressure on people at my age to know what they want to do with the rest of their life! But who really knows at 18! Isn't the idea to change and then change some more? But while they are on this adventure of self discovery I shall be sitting in the same place.

And this is what scares me most. In their new lives how much time will they have for me? Its a selfish thought and its awful that I am not more supportive but hey I am nothing if not honest. That is my biggest fear. and birds! Whoever invented those cretinous creatures...