A Cry For Help

Help needed. I have been put in a double room. I need as many visitors as possible.

1. I am bored but but too sick to do much.
2.  The more visitors I have the more likely I am to get complaints.

The stories of O week are awesome!! I miss you all like mad but glad to see you're having a good time.

I am in bed 35, pod c, ward 5 north and should be here til Monday lunch!! Love you all!

Xoxo

I Am Different

I finally did it. I changed my Facebook profile picture to one that actually looks like me. I know it seems like something stupid but I always love looking at the photo's of me with hair. I really was quite pretty but as much as I hate to admit it, that was a lifetime ago.

Tonight at dinner with my family we were talking about last year. As Tom said "I have memories from when I was eight years old that seem more recent than that time." We have been stuck in this time for a long time now.

It was hard last week, there were problems with my Hickman line. This is the third one and if I have to get it taken it out.... well lets just say painful is an understatement. To get out a hickman line out (a line which has to be put in surgically) is literally just tugged out, no anesthetic needed.

More importantly it messes with my schedule. I have started to plan things for the future and things for now. It's hard because a lot of my friends left for uni last week and I may have got a little lonely in hospital so to try and make it easier I am trying to organize things in the little time I am out to look forward to. I have also invested in some more coloring-in books.

 Don't you think my Postman Pat is beautiful???

Another Week

It's finally here. You are all leaving. HELP!!!!

I may be a little bit of an emotional wreck this week. I am about to let my Anthony and millions onto the world. It's odd because I have known that this point in time is coming for a while but now it's finally here. 

My friend Toby was over. Toby for all those who doesn't know is amazing. He is one of my best mates and one of the coolest cats you have ever met. Anyway on Monday we were lying on my bed listening to music and just generally chatting when I realized that I won't have the beautiful pleasure of just being in his company.

Today is valentines day! Joy for commercialism but hey! Pan wrote me a card and in it he wrote "My favorite thing is when we just... are. A simple moment. Quiet. Unassuming. And then you say something and suddenly the world seems beautiful... different. clearer" and this is so true but not only of Pan but all my friends. 

I just love being with you. Toby, Ollie, Caitlin, Jess, Hannah, Kate, Sarah... I just could go on forever, I have that many amazing friends. I really hope you all know how amazing you are to me. Just spending time with me in hospital, I know it's hard but thank you.

I do go insane in here. Visits from everyone make me sane, well as sane as I ever am. BUT GOD HELP ME!! I AM GOING TO MISS YOU!!!!!!!! 

I Could Never Ask For Better

I am so close yet so far. My methotrexate levels are 0.02 too high. This is soo annoying as I got them down from being in the hundreds to 0.08 but I guess this is what my life is, just waiting to be told that I am adequately healthy to being dragged back to become sick yet again.

The end is in sight but not so close that I can begin to get really excited. On this day in a term and a half I will be dancing like there is no tomorrow and that's because there will be no chemo tomorrow or hopefully ever again but that is a about 15 weeks away.

At the moment I am having to say goodbye to my friends. They are all moving on with their lives. It was really hard last night because one of my best friends Toby came in to see me. I am going to have afternoon tea with him on Monday but this was the last tine with it just being us.

I couldn't really help it, I am rather ashamed but I was a bit of mess. He as with so many of my friends have been here week in week out.

Chemo is hard but not just for me, it's hard for everyone. My friends who have watched me going from the overly social healthy 18 year old to nothing more than a shell who is so sick that I hardly remember what I saying. They have been there for it all.

I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. So thank you for being there and I love you.