Battle Scars

I have many battle scars that I will have to live with. Today I am leaving to begin a new chapter in my story. I am going away travelling for two and a half months by MYSELF!!

Today is not as stressful as I thought it would be. I have packed everything and am ready to leave. I will miss Mum and Dad but I think that it is important for me to do this. It is a big step of me regaining my independence and confidence back.

Poor Dad and Mum though. At this point in time I am healthier than my doctors would have hoped I would have been but I am also not as healthy as Mum and Dad would have wanted me to be. I still get tired and I still have trouble walking long distances and standing up for long periods of time.

I went and saw my physio on Tuesday and he said that my leg has reached a plateau. I still can't really bend my leg ninety degrees which means that I will always have trouble going up and down stairs but today is a beautiful day in which I set off on a brand new chapter.

Today the battle scars that I have are part of who I am but they do not define who I am.

Up Up And Away

Sorry I haven't updated this in a while. I was so preoccupied about getting ready to go to Chicago and saying goodbye to friends, which I admit is a little over dramatic as I am only really gone for two weeks... For now anyway!

I still find it difficult to say 'I had cancer' as it still feels very real to me but as I am starting out on my journey I feel I am truly beginning a new sort of chapter in my life. Not to say I am leaving my old life behind but as to create new beginnings  in a life forever changed.

Anyway, the more I thought about it the more I thought that I should start a new blog and leave this for cancer related purposes as my experience with dog is now much more sporadic and not consuming my life as my life starts to move in different and exciting directions.

Naming this blog was a difficult thing for me to do. Much harder than my experience of walking the dog was. I think it was because I had more time to mull it over and thus more naming options. I found it difficult to find me the right one. 

However I have decided to call it 'Plan B'. As my life is 'Plan B'. It's not turned out how it was supposed to go and it will never be what it used to be but that's ok because different is not a bad thing. (The link to the blog as at the bottom of this page). 

Luckily the test results I had before I went away were still according to this plan and showed me to still be in the all clear! However they made me have THREE of my immunizations again in ONE day! My arm was sore for like a week after.

I am lucky that the only sickness I have had recently is a sore arm and a cold. It's makes for a nice change of pace!

Check out my new blog at:

http://thelifeofplanb.blogspot.com/

The Longest Year Of My Life

I'm not kidding when I say it has been THE longest year of my life. Not one other year has had such lows or one that has changed me so much. It has now been one year since I was diagnosed. I cannot believe that one year has come and gone. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was a normal teenager with hair and just a sore knee.

I sent the year off in style with an awesome party with copious amounts of drinking and dancing, it was the best way I could have imagined to finish a horrible year and set the scene for what is to come and oh is there ever things to come.

Today, I went to Victoria University open day. It was such a nice day and it made me really look forward to next year. It sounds so interesting and exciting but also it's getting closer to the time that I am going traveling!!!

I have booked a Contiki which is UBER exciting!! I am going with my lovely friend Steven Petris who is one of the most lovely friends I could have asked for. He however will murder me for giving away that he is secretly a wonderful person. I'm going away for three months in 23 days!!!

But before I can even contemplate that I am going to Auckland to visit the suregon, Christchurch to visit my friends down there and to Hawkes Bay to stay with my grandma! Life is going once again at such a fast pace and I could not be happier.

I am healthy, I am happy and it's amazing. To not wake up every day and want to vomit or not to walk up the stairs and need a sleep!! Even having enough energy to have a shower is a massive achievement!!!

Not everything is perfect but it's so much better that I really cannot complain. I truly am blessed with a wonderful bunch of friends and an amazing family. Speaking of which my amazing cousins all came to stay for my birthday!!! Don't they look dashing???

How A Haircut Can Hurt

Miley Cyrus is such a beautiful girl, no matter what you think of her music this is a fact. At the moment all over Facebook is pictures of her 'radical' new hair cut and it kind of hurts me looking at the comments that some people are making about her.

Miley Cyrus is a stunning girl who rocks short hair or long hair. I on the other hand am very ordinary but when people call someone who looks like she does "ugly", "a butch looking dyke", "dumbf**k" and so many more names it shouldn't hurt me but it does.

Is that what people think of me when they walk along the street? If someone who looks like her can't be considered beautiful with short hair what is the chances that I can? I find it difficult to accept the way I look because it has changed so much but how can I like how I look if nobody else does?

Scarfie For A Week

Last week I turned into a scarfie who awkwardly had no scarf as I forgot it. That's right! I braced the cold and saw my friends in Dunedin and what a wonderful week it was. I have not been as happy as I was during that week in the longest time.

I arrived on Wednesday the 25th of July and stayed til Wednesday the 1st of August!!! It was the most amazing time running around and seeing where everyone lived and catching up with them!! I went out for the most fabulous meals, saw the most amazing people and I even had a shot of Madori while partying in the cook!!

I almost felt like a normal teenager. I still have a long way to go to being like everyone else, I still occasionally need naps in the afternoon and my leg still hurts if I push it too far!! But life is looking up. I actually cannot wait til it's me at University!

This is a photo of the lovely QMC girly dinner!!

 The lovely Sarah and Kate and I had a lovely girls night in watching 'Finding Nemo' and having a cheeky few. The blue thing's are shark lollies because obviously they wanted to go swimming!

I used to have trouble even imagining my life would be like it is now!! Everything is happening so quickly, time is seeming to fly by. I have now been back for over a week (I needed a wee bit of recovery time!) but it only seems like I just got back!

It's nearly my birthday too which means that it has nearly been a year since all of this started. I was diagnosed on the 25th of August last year, the day before my birthday and in 16 days it will be my one year of living with cancer.

1/19 of my life. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was a normal eighteen year old. I don't think I ever will be normal again. I think in a way this will affect me for the rest of my life. Not just physically with things like not being able to play sports and being limited with movement but also mentally it will always be a part of me.

But as I move further on I make new memories that don't relate to cancer. It will always be there but there is life after cancer and those who care that I had cancer don't matter and those who don't care at all do.

I love working at the library because the kids do not care about anything, not what you look like but just if you are nice or not. It also supplies great entertainment. Today a little boy came into the library crying, apparently some girl had given him a hug and he now he had girl cooties and they were incurable. He said this as he was hugging me, he then looked up and said "Oh no!!! You're a girl too!!!" and howled harder.

Thankfully cancer is not contagious but obviously girl cooties are.

A Confused Working Girl

Today I officially became a working girl!! Or a volunteering girl. I have come to the end of my constant lunching and brunching. This however is amazing. I am volunteering at the Plimmerton School library helping out the lovely librarian Fiona with anything and everything.

It feels amazing to be useful again. It also makes the time when you are not working feel more like downtime making it more special. I also went for my first trip to the Porirua pool today. I managed to swim a measly six lengths before retiring to the spa but as the weather was so grot outside the spa was actually rather lovely!

I have been keeping myself busy and I am sure annoying my friends to the brink of insanity. It was interesting because one night I was at a mates flat and some guy who I hardly know said to me "Why do you always talk about cancer? It's over and it's kinda depressing that you always talk about it."

These weren't his actual words but just the general gist of what he was asking me. It got me thinking, do I talk about cancer too much?  Am I obsessed? Is it really over??? I asked two of my friends if they thought I talked about it to much. One said yes, one said no.

I don't think I am obsessed and I think maybe it is over for everyone else but not for me. I also realized that this is what I have done for the past year. It's such a big part of my life. Everything in my life for the past year has centered around it but what to do? 


I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me by talking about cancer all the time but I still want people to feel comfortable to ask questions if they want. I think maybe it's just time will mean it will be less of a presence in my life and more things will take center stage. 


Becoming a working girl is just another step to becoming normal again.

A Happy Freak

So life is better than amazing right now. I have been having the most amazing last couple of weeks! Last week most of my friends came back to Wellington. I was busy morning til night and then early hours of the dawn. Dad almost killed me when he got my food bill for last week alone. I am lucky he loves me so.

Right now, I am writing from my lovely room in the goregous Sea Temple hotel in Port Douglas. Mum and Dad really pushed the boat out and this place is FANCY!! I feel properly spoiled! It's a poolside apartment which is swim-in swim-out!

This is the deck from our apartment! 

As you probably can tell I am incredibly white. I was almost translucent when I got here but hopefully it is slowly going. What it means is I have to be onto it with the sunblock. No more cancer for me. Hopefully! 

It's been a bit strange going out so much. I forgot a bit how different I look to everyone else. It's funny because I quite often catch people staring and I always wonder what I look like to someone who doesn't know. Do I still look sick? 

I would have thought that I wouldn't still feel like the sick kid but I do. It's not so much sick but invalid. My leg feels different. It's like it knows that their is something foreign in it, something not right. It just doesn't want to work as well as it did.

It doesn't stop me acting like a teenager again. I went to a party on Friday and Saturday and it was amazing because I managed to stand for long periods and even dance!! I think the fact that I was rather intoxicated helped me not notice!! 

Last week though I even managed to go shopping with my friend I managed to walk for 45 mins as well as try on clothes!! And I managed to find a dress which made me feel pretty which is really rather hard. 

My pretty!!

As much as I  try to pretend it doesn't bother me, my appearance really is something which depresses me. I look so abnormal and at eighteen your appearance is a big part of who you are. My appearances have changed and its hard because it means every time I look in the mirror I am reminded that I am a freak. Different. 

But to be fair, I am a happy freak. I am healthy and I am lapping up the sun in Port Douglas! I am even going to visit some crocodiles and some snakes tomorrow and if I am really lucky I might even get to cuddle a koala! I am a happy freak, a happy freak I am.