I AM GOING TO LIVE!!!!

I am so happy, it's hard to describe how I am feeling. I keep on randomly breaking down into tears because I am soo happy. I can't stop laughing, crying and smiling out of sheer joy.

When I got my bad histology results I had to slowly came to terms with the fact that I was unlikely to live past the age of 20. I had to at 18 years old face the fact that it was unlikely that I would live long enough to see my brother start university.

I startred to look over my life and appreciate how lucky I have been. I have had one of the most amazing life. Most people don't get to see the sun set in Africa, the beauty that is the sunflower fields in the south of France, explore Petra (a city that was lost for hundreds of year), sail on the Turkish sea's, ski in the mountains in Japan, America and Canada and so many more experiences.

Then I thought about the people I love and those who I would leave behind, I thought about what I could do to make loosing me easier for them. I thought about how I could make the fact that they lost a sister, a daughter, a niece, a best friend.

I had to thank god about how lucky I had been to experience so many amazing experiences and been introduced to so many amazing people. I had to thank god for the life that he let me live.

When I had my bad histology results I had accepted the fact that I would not grow to be old, I had to say goodbye to those I loved. I was thinking about not continuing with chemo because I didn't want to spend the little time I had being sick.

And now I am going to live, I don't have to think about how my death would hurt those who love me so much. I am so unbelievably grateful for this. So unbelievebly happy that I start randomly crying because I so happy that  I AM GOING NOWHERE!

I AM GOING TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Life Of An Addict

I had a brain wave this morning. This does not happen often but it was so obvious it has been crazy. I have finally managed to completely stop taking all morphine which is so nice because it means that the pain is getting less and less.

I realized this morning that the reason I have been feeling so sick is because I have been feeling the symptoms of withdrawal. I stopped taking morphine on Sunday and I was thinking that it's quite odd because I have been feeling rather sick and horrible, getting chills and sweats, diarrhea, insomnia and odd random shooting pains.

I contributed everything to the fact that chemo had been so horrible but normally by this point the only residual effect I have from chemo is less energy. It sucks so much because I have to feel sick still. I actually ate soo much food on Thursday when I got the good news I made myself sick!!! Mum was out at a work dinner so poor Pan and my friend Kate had to clean it up. They are seriously such good friends and I owe them BIG TIME!!!

I am excited because Dad and Tom are coming home tomorrow!!! It may sound odd but things like this really show you what matter in life. In some ways I am lucky to have had an experience which has opened my eyes so much. I used to complain about my family like every teenager I know.

"Mum won't get me this." "Dad said I can't go to that" but you know what? I am so lucky I actually have such an amazing family. Poor mum has had to run around after me like a house elf because I haven't been able to do much and she is so lovely like she doesn't even complain.

On the topic of lucky, I have officially dated Pan for  5 months today which is pretty impressive considering he asked out a girl who he knew had cancer. He is the stuff of legends, he literally is so amazing to me. He helps me out with anything and is always there. He even lets his brother and I stick on a beautiful temporary tattoo that was a pick heart made out of flowers.

So... I may be an addict but at least I am a lucky one.

I Adore You Anne!!!

Anne O'Donnell is my oncologist, she is a seriously amazing woman. She is so kind and hard working and has given me the BEST NEWS EVER!!!

Anne has just called me and told me that she had sent off my histology results for a second opinion because she is amazing like that and wanted to be sure because clinically my leg had improved so much. It stopped being sore and went down and everything pointed towards the idea that the chemo HAD WORKED.

AND GUESS WHAT!!!!!! IT DID!!!! The second opinion came back different. So she sent it to the world expert who said that the histology  were actually 98%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This means that I now don't have to have the worse chemo's!!!!!!!! AND EVEN BETTER my prognosis for kicking the cancer is conservatively at 80%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anne O'Donnell, I really do love you.

Dancing In The Rain

This morning I woke up to such a lovely message from one of the girls who I went to school with. She had found this quote on the internet and had thought of me. This is so lovely in itself but I have been having a really hard week with chemo, last week was the worst chemo yet.

I actually chucked my guts up from it which has never happened before. It's rather impressive when you consider that in hospital I have a pump which injects 2 different anti-nausea drugs into my arm, I also take an aprepitant, multiple steroids and about 5 form of oral tablets to try to keep the nausea at bay and it has worked until this time. 

I also have been given a sort of rough end date. If everything goes to plan I should be done with all of this by early August. However apart from feeling glum because I have been feeling so sick and missing my brother and dad (they have been skiing in the US of A for 10 days) I have been feeling kinda irritated.

It took me a while to work out why I have been so but I figured it was down to the fact that I just want to be over now. I have really had enough of feeling sick and not having enough energy to walk anywhere or do anything. I just wanted it to be done now. In short, I think I hit a five month wall. I have done five months but I still have another seven to go. 

This quote that I was shown was:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... 

It's about learning how to dance in the rain" 

-Vivian Greene

This is so true and it actually made me think about my irateness and I have now finally come to the conclusion that it is stupid to waste my time being irritated. I can't change the fact that there is still another seven months. Moaning and groaning about how long I have left will just put me in a bad mood.

I am in the middle of the biggest hurricane of my life, it's trying battering me every which way. I can hardly walk but I am doing everything I can with a smile because who cares. In the end the storm will pass, so for now I am just going to do my utmost best to be the most obnoxious dancer in the rain.

Let's Hold Hands And Start Again

Tonight, well i guess it's actually morning I am sitting here with a bit shellshocked Anthony. He has just seen my xray's of my leg and I think I scared him a bit which is fair enough as he can be scared. He has been one of my best friends throughout all of this.

Some girls are a bit mean about him because they think that he is "flaky" and "like a typical gay guy" but I am here to tell you he is totally not. He is amazing. He entertains me even on my worst days and never fails to bring a smile to my face.

 I really wish everyone had the pleasure of meeting him as he really is one of the wonderful people I have ever known. He worries about Otago but I am sure he will be fine as because of all reasons mentioned above.

I have to start chemo again tomorrow, lame right?? I am nervous and a bit worried because my oncologist Anne said that it would be harder than most because my body is not used to it anymore and it also happens to be the type of chemo that makes me really sick so YAY/not really.

I have only got one week in hospital so that's good and then I will have another 2 weeks out. Tom and Dad have gone away though, this sucks. For anyone that doesn't know my dad and my brother are both my friends. They are awesome, when I am in hospital they come in every afternoon after school and night after work and feed me.

I am going to miss them heaps. I am a little worried I am going to get lonely in hospital because everyone is soo busy right now enjoying the sun (very little of it ever hits Wellington). Loneliness sucks because there is nothing I can do about it and when I am on chemo I am too sick to do a lot of things so finding a distraction can sometimes be hard.

I am saved when I have visits, people are the most interesting distraction as I love hearing about their lives because everyone has different experiences and problems.

People are interesting.

How Odd Is Life

Tonight I was feeling a little nostalgic for better times after Pan went home, not because we fought but because I had to tell him about the not so good news. He has been on a walk (not a tramp, he lies if he tells you it was) and had not read my latest blog post, it was harder than telling anyone else.

He has already been through so much with me and never once complained when I told him yet again to get me more food, to get me this or that. He has been amazing and more than I deserve. He even puts up with me when I am totally spaced out on drugs and trying to convince him that he should have rampant gay sex with my brother or putting jelly in his hair or any other of the million of things I do.

I hated having to tell them that things again hadn't gone our way and things were going to get harder yet again. So I was looking through my photobooth photos. I have had photobooth since year 9 and my friends are the biggest photo whores I know. Thank you Anthony, Rebekah, Rahera, Claudia and the millions of people who had so many hilarious poses and facials.

I also found a few photos which reminded me how unpredictable life can be.

 This was taken just over a year ago on the day I decided to go blonde again

 This beautiful photo I took with Jess in the July school holidays, one month before my diagnosis

When I got my hair cut short when it started falling out

This was taken in my last set of chemo before surgery

Til tonight. 

HAIR IS GROWING BACK!

Life can change in an instant so appreciate every one, who knows what is around the corner.