Dogs & Other Boring Stuff

It's getting harder to post on here. Nothing bad is actually happening it's just getting harder to live my normal day to day life and that is something which is hard to tell people. It doesn't matter how strong I am or how hard I try to fight this, I cannot win.

It is getting worse and worse and it sucks. The biggest problem that I am having at the moment is with tiredness. Tiredness is something that everyone has to deal with but it's something nobody truly understands because tiredness doesn't cover it. I am exhausted, constantly. 

It means that I go to sleep exhausted, I wake up exhausted and there is nothing I can do to change that but it's worse than that. I am starting to struggle with concentration. I have decided to stop doing my uni work and just go to the lectures as it's too difficult to concentrate anymore. 

I also am more emotional than I normally am and this messes with me. I am not an emotional person but recently I have started being really upset for no reason then snapping and then all of a sudden having a 180 shift and be giggling or talking nonsensically and it's just getting harder to do simple things like get ready. 

I struggle but there is nothing I can do to change any of the above apart from profusely apologize to those who I live with especially to Guy and Hannah who bear the brunt of most of them! I wish I could say it was going to get better but I know it won't, it's only going to get worse.

Luckily, dogs exist. 

To Hazel - Grace

Today I went to the Anne Frank house and I seriously think that this deserves it's own blog. It deserves everything. When I planned my trip away, the place I most wanted to go was Amsterdam simply to go to the Anne Frank house. One of my favorite things in this life are books, Anne Frank's diary is a spectacular book but the book which made me want to go to the Anne Frank house was 'The Fault In Our Star's' by John Green.

I know I go on about this book but it's simply because I love it. I know of nobody who is like me. Nobody except Hazel Grace. I know it's not real because she is a fictional character in a book but for somebody who isn't dying John Green has created a girl who is realistic and somebody who reminds me that I am not the only person like me. It makes me both sad and happy. I would love for their to be nobody like me, for nobody to have to go through this but they do and sometimes it's nice to know you are not alone.

The Anne Frank house is an amazing place, sad, haunting, tiny but amazing. It's so sad and painful what she had to endure and it's a reminder that their are people in this world who have it worse off than I do. It was amazing to spend this time with my family and Jannie (my family friend who is more family than friend). They truly are an amazing bunch.

So to my imaginary friends Anne & Hazel- Grace. Thanks for teaching me how to be strong and for reminding me that I am not alone.

My Month Of Fun!!!

It's been odd, normally I alway's love writing on here, it's a way in which I sort of the things that are rolling around in my mind but lately I haven't felt the need to. Things have sort-of seemed simpler. They are obviously  more complicated but simpler at the same time.

It's simple, I am dying there is no changing this fact so if something makes me happy I have been doing it. I been having so much fun! In the last month-ish I drove up to Hobition with my friend Hannah and got to meet her amazing family. They are sooo nice and cool!! Then I have been living in my hall and just enjoying time at university and with my amazing friends. Then I wen to Europe spent time in the lovely Verona, Venice, Milan, Zurich, Paris and Amsterdam!

I have been eating out of this world AMAZING food and spending some amazing time with some wonderful people. I actually am really happy. I have moments when it hits me and I have a small break down but sometimes  I am actually able to forget this is going on. The other day I said to my dad "life could not be more perfect" and his retort was simple "it really could be" and it could. But I am truly happy with my lot in life. It may not be perfect but it's pretty darn good. 

My energy levels are slowly getting worse but I have good days and bad. 

Mum and Dad are still holding strong on the puppy debate.

I hope you enjoy these photos of the last month as much as I do!!

 Guy's Birthday Present!! 

 HOBBITON! 

 Cute Night In Boulcott

 MY FAVORITE DESSERT EVER!

Verona!

 Our Apartment In Verona

 Fam Bam in St Marco's Square

 Tom tried Horse meat at this restaurant!

Time for a spot of shopping in Paris

Simply spectacular

Happiness Comes In Many Forms

I never thought I would be happy being told I have six more months to live but strangely I am. I got scans taken on Wednesday and the results are in and they are good. They are not you are going to live good but I that was never really a choice. At this point from the idea that I got at my first appointment they guessed I would have around six months. That would mean now I would only have 3-4 months left.

Yet the tumors have hardly grown. They have grown as that is the nature of cancer but they haven't grown that much!! I have been told that although this still only gives me months it means that I have more time to spend being happy and healthy!!

I am actually able to hope that I will be able to see my brother turn 18 and I may even get to turn 20!!! No longer have to be some annoying pre-teen. I sometimes forget that this news isn't as exciting for everyone else as I still die at the end of this all but this is one of the biggest gifts I could have gotten, more time.

I am going to use this time wisely! Dad has booked a family holiday! In just under three weeks I am going to Verona, Paris & Amsterdam. I am going to the Anne Frank house. This may be slightly morbid and I guess it is. I sometimes forget how much I have changed since I turned 18.

I know it made me grow up fast, I understand that but what I sometimes forget is how morbid it makes me. I don't really talk about it knowingly but it is such a constant presence that I forget that it is not normal for most people.

Sometimes I feel a bit lonely just because I don't really have anyone I know who has been in the situation as I have. This is why I feel in love with the book 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green. It's such a wonderful book, from somebody who had has cancer. It is probably the most true book as to how it really feels.

Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters, although they are only made up characters are my friends who help me through this. In this book the girl falls in love with a book (book-ception, me thinks) and it makes her want to go to Amsterdam and while she is there she goes to the Anne Frank house and this spectacular book made me want to do this exact same thing. 

This may not seem like a miracle but having more time being healthy for just a few more months is more than I could have hoped for. 

So Happy Easter!! Spend time with those you love, cherish them because everyday is precious.

 

Goody Two Shoes

I am overly chuffed with myself at the moment because I got my first grades back and I am officially a straight A student! I got two marks back and managed to get an A- and an A+!

I am actually so proud! I don't know how long I will be able to stay at uni or even how long I will live for but I can honestly say that I am living my life to the fullest. I know the idea that going to live in a hall and eating hall food (euch! SAVE ME!!!) and going to uni and doing work is not what every-one would choose to do if they only had six months to live but it makes me so happy. I miss my family, it's hard not living with them especially since I know how hard this is for all of them and I love them so very much but I am doing something which I have dreamed about for so long.

I know it's not forever, I can feel it getting harder all the time. I also know that my grades don't really matter because I probably won't even finish first year but for now, I am student.

And I absolutely love it.

THANKS!! :D

I just wanted to write a big thanks (in my study break/I am procrastinating starting my readings!!) to the people who have been dropping or sending gifts off to Boulcott Hall for me!! :) It has been ever so lovely to receive packages reminding me of how much amazing support I have. 

I honestly could not ask for better friends. I know it's been really hard for so many of you and I am really sorry for that. People tell me I should stop apologizing because it's not my fault but I know this. I still feel bad for putting everybody because at least when I die, I won't have to deal with the greif and loss but you all do.

I never will be able to say thank you or sorry enough.

I love you all.

On a happier note, enjoy a picture of the amazing cupcakes I had the pleasure of devouring!!

Living My Life

My life, like most has it's up's and downs. I try to stay positive and most of the time I succeed. This week has been amazingly bittersweet! I am loving living in the hall but at the same time it sucks that I don't have the same energy levels as them.

I sort of have loved and hated making new friends. I have loved meeting these new amazing people but at the same time I know that I am only going to hurt more people. This week I have had some of the best times I have ever had but I have also had some of the worst.

This week I went to see Anne, who as usual was super amazing, I just wished she had better news. The  cancer has spread so far in my lungs that they cannot surgically operate and leave me with enough functioning lung to live.

There is no way for me to ever be cancer free but that's ok. This is my lot and I am ok with this, I just need to have the most fun I possibly have until that has to happen.

To end this on a positive note I will add a photo of getting ready for the Toga party! Such fun!